Father’s Day 2022

Today is full of juxtaposition. 

Last night  I was sick and unable to go to a Theater banquet that I’d been looking forward to for a very long time. So disappointed to miss out on the fun with my theater community and expectations of the evening, I mourned the FOMO deeply. I had both been in shows and had seen a lot of shows this year and there was a lot to celebrate. As I lay in bed I received texts from friends informing me that I had won two Orchid awards for my performances in the musical Curtains and the play Mission Possible! Overjoyed with the news and bummed I couldn’t be there to enjoy the moment, I was both happy and sad. Reflecting back how hard I worked and how I poured my heart out on the stage during such a hard season of my life…I am in awe at the duality.

During the fall musical Curtains, my dad got really sick. Sometimes I went to rehearsal right after seeing him in the hospital. It was a strange predicament that also, kept me afloat. The people in that show carried me even if they didn’t know it. Some who became my dearest friends, filling a huge gaping whole in my life. I want to thank everyone in both for showing up in a beautiful way, during a desperate time for me personally, for they were the love found in a broken place. 

Similarly, today is a beautiful day to celebrate dads. The sun is out, my kids are happy and the calendar is empty. My husband is a Godsend of a father who deserves the sun and moon and I have so much to enjoy. But it’s also the first Father’s Day without my dad, and it leaves me with layers of feelings.

Sadness is beginning to leak into my spirit as I remember  little things about my dad. I find myself wanting to call him and pack up to head in his direction. Missing his laugh the most and the anticipation of knowing what to say to make him laugh, tears were spilling out. I must admit I found myself a bit lost without the destination to my parents back porch with dad manning the grill. The smile he’d get at seeing my kids, the frustration that would arise when they made a mess, the twinkle in his eye when he would trick them with his witty banter.  

Here I am with two awards, sick in bed on a gorgeous day during a holiday meant to treasure the dad to my children; and celebrate the father I had who is no longer here. Happy and sad snuggled up together like the best of friends on my front porch. And I sit here, opening the door to them both.

Isn’t that the fullness and reality of life?

To those of you who find yourself in a similar position, with much to be grateful for but also having suffered loss, I just wanted to say you aren’t alone. Happy can dance with sad. It often does. Nothing is perfect. Nothing will be the same. And there is nothing wrong with both feelings being present. Isn’t it interesting that even tears come with the best of laughter?

I do find that love shows up when you need it the most and can carry you in both sad moments and joy-filled ones. Love disguised as the comfort in mourning. And love pours out in the heart overflowing. Hope can always be found threaded in the story line somewhere. Sometimes, it’s hanging by a thread. Always there waiting, to be woven in.

We are all chasing joy and we are all finding it messy. Feelings mingled together in loss and love in this one big beautiful life we all share. Perhaps knowing it’s the human experience will help us all feel like we aren’t flying solo. Embracing the duet of these polar opposite feelings instead, creating a fullness in our lives to be held in awe.

Thank you Eric, for being such an amazing dad to our children. 

Thank you dad for always making me chuckle and feel adored. I miss you down here.

Happy 1st Father’s Day in heaven, Dad. I love you!