October, You Beautiful Monster You
As the red and oranges pop through the dark sky this frigid morning after Halloween, I am inspired to write. Natures revealing always does that to me, however October has been a month for us. And so I write to share with you my failures, triumphs and take aways of my favorite month of the year. Imperfect but true, here is one I hope is both relatable and inspiring for you.
October was a month for us.
It was So full. Full of overcommitments, a heavy work load, spouse travel, performances, many doctor appointments and just so very busy.
Meanwhile, a low level anxiety of being able to seize my favorite month of the year hung around my heart. Although the days were stunning in their fall glory - my daily life was busting at the seams. It almost pained me on a beautiful day that I couldn’t “get to it.” Whether that meant a long walk admiring the trees or the iconic family pumpkin patch outing, I was struggling internally.
So much so that we had to do all of the iconic fall and halloween things at the last possible minute. Which, to be honest, led this mama to feeling a bit of distress as every picture perfect weekend rolled around, and we just couldn’t get to that dang pumpkin patch!
The thing is, I LOVE the pumpkin patch. So not only was I feeling sad to ‘miss’ this season because I was so busy, but then I was also feeling bad for feeling bad. And worried OF COURSE about checking all the boxes for my kids memories too. That’s a lot for me to carry, but I was carrying it. Empaths, Can you relate?
However, this squeeze did lead to some good realizations. And we did, finally, get to that pumpkin patch thank the Lord in heaven. I thought I’d share some small things I learned and felt along the way, hoping it might encourage you on this not so perfect but gorgeous messy hard busy thing we call life.
Perfect Doesn’t Make Perfection
It was the last opportunity to go to Blooms and Berries, our family’s annual tradition of pumpkin patch glory. The hay ride, the animals, the kiddie rides my kids are no longer little enough for…I just absolutely adore this excursion. Mind you, sometimes my people love it. Sometimes they give me so much grief and ruin it all together. Parenting is just like that. Especially when you want it to be special.
We told the kids Sunday morning is our last chance, it’s important that we go. So, they knew. One set an alarm, one said they didn’t want to be outside more than they had to, one kept sleeping and one asked if we could just stay home. We woke up to rainy drizzle and a chilly forecast. I of course, woke up to cramps.
So there you have it, the imperfect start to us finally seizing a treasured family memory. I popped some ibuprofen and Eric and I decided we would persevere, it looked like the rain was going to clear for a bit. We made the kids rally and I decided against my better judgment to bring our little Aussie along. She loves outings! (Not thinking of the mud in her fur)
What we didn’t realize is that going to the Pumpkin Patch on the last rainy morning, meant there were no crowds! No lines! We did what we wanted and we didn’t have to wait to do the little duck race in the water tube game. They drove the kiddie ride super fast because we were the only ones on it, and it was hysterical! Also, with no wait for the hay ride, we hopped right on to find our pumpkins and although cold -we actually had the best time!
Once we had our patch fill, the rain started to come down and the chill increased, we got some warm apple cider and hit the road with our muddy dog in tow. I was happy. And guess what? So were my kids.
Now that my kids are getting older, and they begin to have lives of their own, I find the times we are all able to do something together as a family are becoming rare. And so with all the effort it takes to orchestrate this togetherness, I wonder at times if it’s worth it.
I have to remind myself that if I don’t make it a priority to pull us all together, no one will. And togetherness is important to all our hearts. Sometimes it may seem like ‘forced fun’ but when I see them light up with joy, then I know it was good for their soul too.
As we approached home and my anxiety rose about Charity’s wet disposition, Rosie volunteered to wash her and it was actually amazing. She threw on her swim suit and got in the shower with her, I barely helped and just stood by for support as she scrub a dub dubbed our pup to her absolute finest. We just did it. We figured it out together. Fear of my mud on our new couch dissipated.
My take away from this one is, it wasn’t perfect. But it ended up being great because we decided to enjoy what we could enjoy, and not worry about it being perfect, or even ideal. Instead, we just embraced it as is. Sometimes, perfection really is the enemy of a good thing. Perseverance in togetherness, however, really does pay off. Perfect doesn’t make perfection. Togetherness makes perfect.
Carving Out Time
One of the fallouts of us being pressed for time was if we are doing everything last minute, how are we going to find time to carve the pumpkins? Our Monday nights are always busy with kid activities but carving pumpkins is something I liked doing together. Even though half of us paint our pumpkins and Ben decided to not even get one this year, I still wanted us to be together at the table.
Earlier this month Eric had just offered to get them at the grocery store, so we could carve them. However I had the grandeur dream of getting the over priced ‘same’ ones at the patch, so now we were really pinched for time. Here’s what we did, we compromised.
Rosie only went to her first dance class, Lily had to come back early from her date, no one else went to their things. After dinner, we declared it carving time. Sure, Ben napped for most of it and arrived later phone in hand and Lily and Gabe’s painting only took 20 minutes while Eric sweated away trying to carve 3. (2 for Rosie and 1 for him). But everyone was in the general vicinity and for some reason, that plus crafts, make me happy.
Art is such good therapy.
I carved my pumpkin and tried to make it a spooky cat, it ended up looking like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland so I decided to add paint too. Again it wasn’t perfect. Each individual peeled away when they were done leaving Eric to finish carving and me to bake the pumpkin seeds while school lunches and such still needed to be packed. But gosh darn-it we did it!
And you know what? Since we carved and painted our pumpkins the night before Halloween, it meant no rotten pumpkins on our porch!
->Which unfortunately is typically not the case for us just after Halloween.
The Effort Mattered to Me. Oh, and I matter. :)
A week ago we had a Halloween party to go to that I intended to make themed food for, but you guessed it, I ran out of time and ended up having to whip something up relatively quick instead. However, I still had those Pinterest photos and recipes dancing in my head! With no school parties go to anymore (sob) …I still had a desire to try to make them. So I made them for my kids.
Who, I think appreciated it? Maybe? I think my senior liked them the most!
The point though, is that I enjoyed doing it.
And I felt like the effort in doing this small thing - even though it wasn’t for it’s original intension- still made me happy. They were really cute and I’d really never made anything that themed for just us before, other than cookies. The best part is we ate the spooky food of mummy pizzas, vampire apples and spiderweb bean dip together before trick or treating and the older kids went their ways.
It wasn’t a big thing, but it mattered to me. And I realized in that moment how important it is to do things that matter to us - even if it seems silly. If it brings you the slightest bit of a light heart and a festive spirit - do it. Because guess what, we matter too. It’s true! And I am convinced if we feel lighter on the inside, that light shines and brightens everyone else’s experience too.
Together Makes Me Happy: And Has Many Forms
Halloween was freezing. As Eric, Gabe, Rosie and I set out to trick or treat, large snow flakes started falling down on our faces. I found myself giggling over the magical moment. Elated, that this would be memorable, I felt connected. Happiness washed over me from experiencing that moment together.
Initially I was disappointed that not all my kids would be trick or treating with us. As our kids get older and this theme reoccurs in our lives, I’ve noticed that there is a lot to be found with the people who are present. It can be really fun to get time with 1 or 2. And honestly, a little easier too.
My attention less divided and with less needs/desires to meet, it can make the quality time even more enjoyable. So not having everyone is not always a bad thing. Sometimes, it’s a very good thing. And it allows the older ones freedom too. It’s a little bit of letting go, and a little bit of letting in.
Contentment is What Is
Last night as I snuggled with one kid on each side, watching Charlie Brown’s The Great Pumpkin, with a fire roaring next to me I felt so much peace and contentment. It was a combination of honoring our traditions, being refreshed from the walk in the cold weather, and seeing people in our community. Also, having a warm place to come home to and know exactly how we will end the night. We did it. We did the things.
I am pretty sure Eric and I had a collective sigh as we made a mad dash toward the finish line of October.
Did I wish Lily and Ben were on the floor trading candy too? Yes. Was I fully enjoying the warm fuzzies of my two youngest at my side and my husband making a fire, yes.
Accepting what is and loving who is there, is enough. Once we accept it, there’s space for it to fill up with the beauty of what is, and not of what it’s not. And that my friends, feels really good.
In the end, I wonder.
Did accomplishing the things bring joy?
Or, was it that I was so worried we wouldn’t get to do them, that when we did them, it felt better than ever?
Or, is it that family activities are just a vehicle for being together? Perhaps that, is the most energizing to me.
Even if they aren’t what I imagined in my head, these simple things were worth doing. At times I lamented, “we missed all the pretty days there’s no point in going to the pumpkin patch now.” Had I clung to that negative attitude that all is lost, I would’ve missed out on the fastest farm train ride I’d ever been on!
If we hadn’t gotten to these fall favorites, I would’ve dished up some grace for myself - as I think we ought to. AND If that was you this year, please read this loud and clear - it is OKAY. Letting go also brings joy. What’s most important, is honoring your own heart. A push, is not always the right thing.
Our lives are so full it truly is hard to keep up. There is something inside me that wants to be sure I get to enjoy the things I enjoy, because that’s what makes me continue to do the daily dirty work of life. I need the sparkly magic imperfectly perfect moments like last night, to count on.
And so I bid October adieu, with all its gorgeous color that dazzle my poetic heart, and I hope beyond hope that it clings to November. Maybe next year, we will pace ourselves better, but for now - I am thankful.
XO
Jenna
