Surface Pressure

Have you seen Encanto? This family has magical powers and one of the girls, Luisa, is the strong one. Her song and her character has become the most iconic of the characters in one fell swoop…why? She is so relatable. And after a few observations this month it had me thinking. Some people are asked to do too much. Because they are reliable. Because they will do it. Because they quietly serve in the background. Because even though their time matters, they will put others needs first.

I was hanging out with a friend talking about his work week, he was slammed. Always asked to work an insane amount of hours, he said he couldn’t get to a project that was recently thrown on his lap, they said he had to do it anyway. I said I am sure someone else could do it or they could wait until next week? He didn’t think anyone could. He felt he was the only one. And although he was already overworked, he would have to work this weekend - well into his birthday.

That same day, I was talking with another friend of mine, she described hosting her family. Going all out during a very hard time she cooked and cleaned and did all the things to lighten the load from everyone else. No one really noticed, everyone assumed she would do it all and she did. She didn’t do it for the accolades…but it would’ve been nice to have been thanked. Or even, asked in the first place.

I have someone in my life that I repeatedly go out of my way to show I care. The other day I rearranged my schedule and cancelled things to put this person first because they asked me to, because I knew they’d be disappointed if I didn’t. Even though I was expected to go the extra mile and they were not. Even though it made my life that much harder. As usual, it didn’t seem to matter that I went out of my way, but it was certainly expected. It would’ve been nice to have my efforts appreciated, even if they weren’t reciprocated.

My husband is a doer. He will quietly serve behind the scenes. He’s the most reliable person I know. At his job he was expected to do unnecessary work just for this one person’s constant ask. At home he has to take out the trash, fix all the broken things, do the taxes, coach the teams…all things that are thankless he will do quietly. After many years I am cognitive of the fact that it’s easy to ask too much of him. As someone who cares deeply for his well being- I celebrate when he chooses himself first.

The reason “Surface Pressure” from the Disney movie Encanto is so relatable is because so often we have things put on us that aren’t ours to carry. And if we are nice enough and quiet enough about it, others will keep loading up that pile. It seems for some people, things never get dropped. They are so very capable. And so the load gets heavier. But, is that fair?

What happens when we can’t carry any more? When the expectations from others are too much and we are ready to pop? But we can’t pop, because then it will show that we can’t do the things. And the things, are what we do. 

Enter anxiety. Enter stress. Enter sleep deprivation. Enter emotional eating. Enter bitterness. Enter resentment. Enter no self care. Enter others happiness while ours is placed on the back burner. And friends, that doesn’t seem right. Does this resonate at all?

So I speak to two kinds of people in this world. The doer. And the maker. It is possible, to be in both camps. 

For the doer: your time matters. Your time matters just as much as other peoples time. Your priorities are just as important as Joe Schmoes priorities. If there’s something that you want to do, and someone else asks you do to something…you don’t have to do theirs first. You, can do yours first. Full stop.

Your feelings are worthy of being cared for. Your feelings actually matter. Call me crazy but just because someone else has expectations of you, it does not mean you need to forego your well being, to please them. You do not need to always put your heart on the line and then get hurt. This cycle does not have to keep cycling. You can consider your own heart and protect it.

What you do matters. All your effort that seem to go unseen, it matters. I’m sorry if you haven’t felt seen. If you’ve been working your tail off and you’ve gone underappreciated, that’s not okay. Listen, this world might not run as well if it weren’t for you and you certainly do keep things in working order, we all know this. You are invaluable. But did you know, if you said no to something…it would be okay? 

Yep. It’s true. The world wouldn’t fall apart. People would find a place to have Christmas. The project would eventually get done. Expectations might not get met and someone might be disappointed…but they would survive. And maybe you could save a little piece of the day…for yourself. 

If you are noticing your body getting out of whack, your breath shortened, your chest feeling tight, stress levels sky rocketing, your crying in regret over efforts spent…it’s time to put a few things down and, put up some of those little things I like to call boundaries. Whoa, Jenna. Yes I said it. That’s a tough word I know. But even if no one knows you are putting up boundaries, you can do it just for yourself and it will help guide you.

Boundaries that say no, can give you freedom. Boundaries that say yes I’ll do that, but I’ll do it later; can help you realize your time matters. Boundaries that say my needs are important, consider your worth. When you throw up an “I can’t” or “No” or a “sure but later” boundary, it creates space. This space gives you a hot second to practice self care. And that, my friend is important because…you are important!!!

Moral of the story: Just say no sometimes. And, say yes to yourself instead. 

To the makers. Friends, so many of us don’t realize that we are the ones making the doers do the heavy lifting. If we are to have healthy relationships with our friends, co workers and family members, it’s important that we pay attention. Before you ask the person you always ask and don’t think twice about, think twice.

Do they have a ton to do? Are you always asking them? You know they are reliable, but are you valuing their time? Do they put more effort in than anyone else? Do you show your appreciation for their service and gifts? Do they look or seem overloaded? Would they even tell you? Is there anyone else you can spread the work load to this time? Are you placing more value on your time and priorities than the person you are asking? 

These are just a few questions we can ask ourselves to make sure we are being considerate of others; respecting their lives, their families, their work balance, and their hearts. If we assume people would say no if they couldn’t do it, then we assume wrong.

Most people have the hardest time saying no. And that is probably to your benefit, right? But when we honor a fellow human - we should take into consideration it may be hard for our go-to “yes” person to say no. If we pause before we ask, we might find ourselves empowering them with confidence and value, and creating a healthier balance for everyone involved. 

Let’s acknowledge and appreciate the worker bees in our lives. Don’t assume they want to plan the family reunion, host Thanksgiving, work over time, rearrange their schedule…sometimes just asking them what they want to do (and giving freedom to say no), can mean the world to a doer. 

Let’s take care of each other. Life is hard enough without putting expectations on an already heavy load. Think twice before you ask. And think twice before you say yes.

Everyone has value. Everyone’s time matters. Everyone is worthy of respect. Everyone needs can be considered. Everyone needs to be appreciated. We can share the burdens and make it so much lighter for the Luisa’s in our lives. And to all the Luisas’, I promise if you say no; the world will go on and it will all be okay. Deep breaths. 

If you haven’t had a chance yet, go listen to the song Surface Pressure. You might find yourself dancing to the beat, but make no mistake…it is a serious mic drop of Disney wisdom for us all.